Vacancy will never be a problem if you follow this plan. Make sure you follow every step carefully so that your building is always full.
1 – Advertise Free Rent
You should definitely give away some rent! You can give away as much as three month’s rent according to the Residential Tenancies Act This should be the most prominent part of your advertising so that all the financially irresponsible who have already spent their first and last money will look at your ad and immediately think AHA ! My new home. Make sure that you make your apartments much cheaper than anyone else’s too.
2 – Don’t ask for ID or Leases
As an added bonus you can address any N-4’s to Resident. This is much easier and faster to spell than the peoples’ names. If it works for the credit card companies it should work for you too! Absolutely no leases! Leases are just more useless paperwork. People should just give you whatever rent they can afford.
3 – Don’t Ever do a Credit Check
What do you want to know all the private information for? People are honest and will just tell you if they are bad tenants. People who are moving every 4-6 months are just getting a string of bad landlords. Credit checks are expensive. Why spend money on stuff you don’t need? 4 – Go register your building at the Bed Bug Registry
Signing up is free ! Free is good ! People who find bed bugs to be entertaining and friendly pets will flock to your building. You can even highlight this with a big sign out front that has a nice picture of a bed bug with the caption “Never Sleep Alone Again” 5 – Don’t ever Clean
Cleaning is highly overrated. It’s expensive to hire cleaner for your common areas and to turn over apartments. People are getting free rent, they’ll love to pitch in and help get their new place ready. Hell you’ll even throw in some cleaning supplies. What a great landlord you are.
6 – Contact your local John Howard’s Society, Ontario Works, Homeless Shelters & Mental Hospital
You have to get the word out that you are offering really cheap apartments with no first and last required. You did after all become a landlord to help people and these people really need your help. Do not ever discriminate in any way. Go every morning and post an ad at your local Landlord & Tenant Board. The best idea is to stick your ad over the daily docket so when tenants check what room they are getting evicted in your ad is right there! You can buy a banner ad on the Ontario Tenants Rights website too! Bye Bye vacancy problem.
7 – You Need Cockroaches Too
This one requires some work. You may have to go to your local grocery store and get some corrugated cardboard boxes and put them in your building. If there are no cockroaches wandering in the halls during the daytime you don’t have enough. People like animated walls. You need to feed the cockroaches as much as possible. DO NOT under any conditions ever hire a pest control company. If your staff happens to hire a company without your knowledge don’t pay them and they’ll eventually stop coming. It’s just cruel to kill cute little bugs.
8 – Alcoholic Super
You need a super who drinks a lot. Hopefully when you have job interviews you can find one who will show up totally pickled. Then you should pay him rather randomly to keep him hopping. Then they’ll be really happy when you give them their check a few days late. Gratitude is a great attitude. It will be even more exciting if you can convince him to date women from the building, especially if he’s married. Marriage is such an anachronistic institution.
9 – Proper Signage
Your signage should be inexpensive and promote recycling. Why buy a sign when you can reuse cardboard from your tenants moving boxes. Learn from the For Sale By Owner crowd. Write very small and in pencil so that people have to get out of their cars to see your sign. Once they are out of their cars it’s easy to walk into your rental office.
10 – Proper Landscaping
Your landscaping should reflect your commitment to love all and sundry. People love flowers and dandelions are flowers. You should never damage your hedges by trimming them in any way. Tree Haters!! If the city comes to mow your lawn once it’s over 20 inches, sue them claiming that you are recreating a natural local garden.
Happy days! You are well on your way to providing a utopian environment. Rules are for idiots. People know how to manage themselves without any guidance whatsoever. Everyone will do the right thing if given a chance.